Disclaimer: This is not for the vain, the self-centered, the ‘I-am-too-hot-to-handle’, the 'overly-hyped', the 'I am-not-sure-of-who-I-am, therefore I do not want to be who I am' type, the severely bitter and the grossly insecure. That leaves only about six people. Oh well….
I got one of the most profound insights from a least likely candidate. A naturally unstable source, at a definitely unexpected time. It was so potent, this insight I tell you. That it loosened seven knots that were decades old from my spine. Hindrances that were surreptitiously embedded in my psyche, for almost as long as I had been alive. It allowed my neck to be elongated again, back to its original length. And enabled my strides to quit their tentativeness and tendency to wallow in an abuse induced bashfulness.
I shed the 'scar mangled banner' (C.O.), that I had been hoisting around and sang a hymn for my un-tensed muscles. I was free and could take a breather. And while at it, breathing that is. I could maybe, just maybe. Shove those taekwondo skills under the chill cabinet.
What was the insight? Who was the candidate? What made the source unstable? And at what time did it all descend on my fragile head? I thought you would never ask, because here I am on the third paragraph of this blog. And I am still struggling to find my bearings. So let me take it to dutiful task. To tell this story, in the order that would make the most receptive of senses.
The candidate was a brilliant friend that had just wrapped up her second student film that she produced. She had studied Film production with a minor in Drama. What she had really wanted to do was study Drama. But luckily for her, found out early enough through counselling. That her strength was really behind the camera and not in front of it. Still she harbored that gnawing desperation as told by her to me, to be the 'homecoming queen'. She did not like her natural look and not only wanted, but did all she could to change it. Above everything else she wanted to be described as 'drop dead....'
Why and how did she spill the beans? What do you think? I have two ears and she has a mouth, how else? Anyway, the real reason was we had gone for an audition for a project that was still in the works. There were supposed to be two segments to the whole process. By the time the first one was over, I was convinced that this project had something to do with; 'the people that ate human flesh and drank eyeballs for supper'. Everybody was sour, tight and on edge.
In fact, I had told a girl that her ensemble was really pretty and the colors made her skin pop beautifully. She teared up and ran to the bathroom to cry. Was that why the rest of the hopefuls, were casting furtive glances at me? That was a compliment! Anyway, by the end of the day. I had absorbed enough negativity, to give me a throbbing headache. And my friend? Not so, the negativity that is. So I sat, moaned and ate nine slices of pizza. And grabbed a pitcher of soda, as she regaled her version of what happened.
It was the most astounding revelation, I had ever heard over small talk. That and walking on water. My friend's experience was the exact opposite of mine and she was very disappointed. I mean depressively sad. Since she had been in this business for most of her life, I reluctantly offered her half a slice of my revered cheese absorber and urged her to spill the details. She described her episode, as a failure to have shone through. A lack of ‘making an entrance’ and an inability to stand out as it were.
In fact, she went as far as wishing she had gone through what I went through. I burped and choked. I had been shocked into a perplexal state of flabbergasted absurdity. Say what? Everybody had been overly friendly and accommodating to her. Even going as far as to share their personal spin on the lines with her. I coughed. It was a jealousy induced one, my fake cough. I was almost spitting out already masticated stuff. She knew they were all carrying on, because after sizing her up. They did not consider her a potential threat. She never did pose a competition to them.
They had easily been all over her, because she never stood a chance of usurping their potential opportunities. Was her deep rendition.
Now that could be the sentiment behind this blog. Excuse me, while I remove the soda-fizz from my respiratory system.....
She found me, when I was on a ‘righteous ranger rampage’. You know that period when it was all down with meanness, cruelty and injustice. The thumb was perpetually pointed downwards. If you don’t know the exact time slot, then I guess it was all me and the phase was personal. Or maybe there was never such an era. However, since all three vices still reigns supreme with thou mortals. I think I may be on to something.
I did not just hold a placard calling for the freedom of the helpless and down trodden. I wore a banner on my head and an inscription in my heart. An empathetic mission encased in my selfless purpose. She had been scorned and wounded, she explained. Abandoned by friends and lovers alike, she sobbed bitterly. She knew for sure, she would often lament. That their reasons were for her less than perfect looks. Interesting, I thought to myself.
At that point she told me, she was bereft of life and whatever was left of it. Nothing worked out for her and so often, none looked out for her. My heart broke into a couple of fragments for her sake. How sad I thought, that one should be subject to such cruelty. Stemming from conditions and circumstances, that were either out of their control. Or was no fault of theirs. I thought it ludicrous and absolutely unfair.
So for the reason she thought my shoulders were the appropriate location to deposit such a dilemma. Was also probably the same reason I blindly jumped on that crusade wagon. I say blindly because this person was actually a part of a certain group of 'clicks and clacks'. You know those types you see together and in action and you just know the common thread linking them together, lacked any form of nobility whatsoever.
I meant to ask her, what her friends thought of or were doing about the dreadful debacle that had befallen her. But on second thoughts, I decided she really did not need all that probation. She had asked for help and change and that she would get. At least within the limits I could handle or afford. So miss ‘woe is my world’ left ‘camp dubious’ with light speed and moved into mine.
With little or no choice left, I took it upon myself to give or rather show her how to get an internal as well as an external makeover. Let me repeat that phrase; ‘I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF.’ Sigh. We would change her complete outlook on life, I thought. Maybe if she saw better and different, she would do better and different. If she had the right tools, insights and exposure. Then she could get a different result than she was used to getting.
I took her to workshops, seminars and crash courses. There were lunch meetings, get-togethers, picnics and get-aways. I introduced her to new people. Professionals, friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers and even strangers. Street pets paid their homage also, what can I say? I was invested in making it happen for someone and that was good enough.
I literarily let her into my world, partly because of guilt. For she had once said that I did not know how it felt to go completely unnoticed. Aww…. How I longed for a break and a nap. Feel free to ride this wagon, anytime you want sister. But was that what she really wanted? Or was there a more insidious motive?
When she had gained enough working knowledge of my world and some of the people in it. She began to gradually, carefully and systematically erode it. She retraced her steps to every place or person I must have shown her or introduced her to and threw a disruptive dice.
She noticed that one common factor they had for me was respect. Since I did not buy it, but simply earned it. She would throw a deceptively concocted curve ball into their knowledge or perception ever so slyly. For example, (I will have to stick to a quick and easy analogy. Since this is a blog after all, and not a life mini-series. Thank me later) if they knew me to be naturally tall. She would go back and say to them; ‘I don’t think her balance has been good lately. It may have to do with all those six inches heels. I hope she cuts down the heels a little for her good.’ To which the poor clueless pawns might reply; ‘She wears heels?! We really thought she was tall.’
As time went on, certain relationships became strained. The reasons were as unexplainable as the strife was unavoidable. As I was slowly losing my ground and territory, she was gaining it all to herself now. Funny how she was a total loser in her own life and world. But strove with every ounce of strength she possessed to reign in and control mine. She had used my name and sometimes pictures to gain acceptance, admittance and alliance in very questionable places.
Places I seldom knew existed much less patronized. She had manipulatively snuck in, like a parasitic organism. Tugging at my heart strings of empathy, while invasively snatching my chest of compassion. She was never after the pursuit of getting a better life for herself. For in the end she adamantly remained the person she was.
As she sought me deceptively, in a bid to pull me down with her. I had unsuspectingly extended a hand into the pit where she wallowed. With an intent to pull her out into the brightness of a hopeful future. But she dug her heels into the enclosing walls of the hole. And tugged with all her might to drag me down instead.
Then as I hung in dismay across the pit from where I had pulled her out. She gingerly stepped out and on me. Walking all over me. Moving brazenly to the next and unfortunate victim. Crushing in the process, my spine. Wielding callously the six inches heels that were hers all along.
This ruse was over for sure we both knew. When she dropped the disguise of friendship that she had been wearing.
Next: garment #4