"There is nothing new under the sun"
"We are all born with a unique genetic blueprint, which lays out the basic characteristics of our personality as well as our physical health and appearance... And yet, we all know that life experiences do change us".
J.D.V
"One of the really nice things about being an actor, is that no experience is wasted."
Patrick Stewart
I was putting some finishing touches to a piece of creative work the other day, when an uninvited wave of nostalgia swept all over me. Initially the cascade of reminiscenic thoughts evoked an ebullient afterglow which just as quickly disintegrated into a mirthless dump. I had recalled that what I was doing at that particular moment, I had already done before. But it seemed not to have gotten anywhere. Infact, it was thrown apart just as quickly as it was done. And if a demise threatened so faintly, why was I attempting it again? Where did the nerve to bother come from? I will tell you, it came from an indelible and insatiable blueprint ingrained into my very being. That prototypical design would always precipitate action as long as I was breathing.
I always love that feeling of releasing creativity when it hit me. A flow which could easily span from ten minutes to ten days. The ardor that had produced about two-hundred poems and songs. Youthful exuberance imbued with wide-eyed wonder and clueless to the value of the aptitude and brilliance that could quickly and easily deliver. Original work naively tucked into four huge blue steel binders, currently floating in pilfered-sphere. Or was it unknowingly burned and destroyed? That mystery my friends will eventually unfold. However, I would prefer the latter (burned and destroyed) for the sake of the responsible. But since this blog is not titled; 'To kill a stealing bird', we will continue with the story line.
It periodically unraveled in my not so little head, that most of what I was doing now career-wise, I had already done before. Yes I could have lead the pack of 'unsung heroes'. Nothing about this whole concept was new to me. The innate desire and the call to create had always found a way of expressing itself for as long as I could speak, howbeit stifled and muffled. Even treacherous, abusive and detrimental circumstances and/or environment did little to alter the original blueprint. Infact, I would subconsciously re-arrange a chaotic situation until it became favourable at least in my head. Every situation and environment became a drawing board.
I remember holding court as a pre-teen with cut-out pictures telling stories to very eager ears. What the crooked cut-outs could not convey, I acted out. That was the easy part. When they (my audience) made sure to remind me every day where I left of the day before, I closed shop. What were they thinking? Had I become an entertainer? I had the goods and more for sure, I just did not know it at the time. Or if I knew it, the value still deluded me. Besides I was on a bigger quest of staying alive and preserving my soul than entertaining and inspiring. That was one of the main reasons I believe that a second time around was absolutely vital.
Then there was that inbred notion in the way I was raised, that this type of talent could only pass for a hobby. And even at that, the said hobby was in no way supposed to encroach on the real profession. Today I definitely understand the source of that sentiment. Three of my very close friends are Medical Professionals. And each time I observe them, I cling even closer to my imaginary blueprint rock. Yes they (the Medics) are always in demand and the word hustle does not really exist in the Medical Lexicon or Glossary the way it does for an artist on any level. But for every time they came back from work and reached for that remote controlling device, they would be glad that some of us were not reaching for a scalpel. But instead had some clean and fun mode of entertainment prepared.
I respectfully appreciate my father's logic for the path in which I was groomed. I would not change it for the world. I thankfully got way more than anyone would need. More especially, I appreciate the fact that when I began to pull away in response to that tug and passion in my heart, he was just as proud and celebrated the achievements he got to see. Amazingly, I did not try or need to find myself in anything. I was always myself. I just needed to stop trying everything else and be all I already and always was. Yes, I was incredibly blessed to be able to do it all. But I could not be it all. I could only be me.
I recall that somewhere along climbing the pinnacle of my dreams, life happened over and over again. I got pushed down, knocked down and cut off. But I kept going because the blueprint never changed. And each time I got up, I was wiser, stronger and my dossier of narratives kept growing. I was the better for feeling and seeing life happen. An artist without an archive would be vacant, shallow and dry. Where would they draw from to translate and communicate the art they were conveying.
A total recall showed me I had come full circle. Still with the same attributes, honing the same skills and more that I had either discovered or acquired along the way. I liked me better now! I would be my best friend seven times over. I do not need approval or attention to make it through nine seconds every minute. I will just keep churning great and authentic stuff and those of equally great minds will get it.
The second time around was a necessary journey that taught me what I was capable of and never to down play that. And the things I could do before I even do better now; plus some. The dream I almost lost while I slept, was all engraved in that original print. So it could never have been lost. I am on the verge of glory...
It's all coming back to me now and I am March-ing Fourth (3/4/15)!!
