“For last year's words belong to last year's language And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." ― T.S. Eliot
"This is my story and I will tell it!" Chioma Onwudiwe
It was New Years Eve. I stared at the bills of travelers checks, that were now somewhat useless. At least momentarily, they were. I never really paid attention, when my father stressed the fact. That I had to always have the letter of authorization and certification, with his signature. The checks could only be cashed, if It was verified that the recipient was me. That way if they were ever missing or stolen, which they likely could have been. The culprit would have a wad full of bank certified notes, howbeit useless to them. And I could still report them stolen and get them re-issued.
What can I say? A huge part of my formative years, were spent with my head in the clouds. For good reasons they were. For example; one of the reasons, was the fact that I had a splendid time. Playing a whole bunch of characters, in my head. These characters, were a form of solace to my painful reality. There was Amelia who loved adventures, Felix the Physician Extraordinaire and 'the governor' who dispensed hard earned cash, without questions. Josephine the bionic woman, who would never die. My very own Cinderella, with a twist and a Holy God Father. Instead of a fairy god mother, of course. And my favorite of them all; Sleeping Beauty who woke-up all grown. And by the time she woke up, the prince had also grown to be the king. Who fed her fresh smoked fish. Oh! The absurdity of it all!
Another reason (of tuning off i.e.), was to turn down the noise! These earthly people were noisy, clamorous, mean and downright conniving. They shunned good and embraced evil, put down kind deeds to celebrate wicked actions. And it was all giving me, an unabating and throbbing headache. Oh how I longed for my 'other world'. Such a strain to be in this world and not be of it. So there I was, head floating in cloud eighteen. As my father diligently and as best as he could, equipped me for my journey. Well useless checks or not, I knew I had to get to that other city and get there fast. Calling my father at this point, would be detrimental to both our well being. So I headed to the bus station anyway. I stood on line like everyone else, seemingly purposeful like most. Until it was down to three people before me. Then I started to perspire buckets, as my head spun cycles that would confuse the universe.
So I called out to my 'Ever Present Source and Help'. Since my panic and confusion, had thrown the universe into a cosmic quagmire so to speak. Chances were I was not calling to it. When it got down to one person in front of me, on the bus queue. I was seeing men as trees and I believed they were jeering at me. "Ticket!" that shout woke me from my deadly reverie, as I stepped forward. "Well?" Sneered the three feet tall woman, with a voice as big as a train. As I looked at her and she looked at me and everybody else looked at us. Time stood still and probably looked at us too! Suddenly, the woman in front of me. Whom herself, was just about to get on the bus. Turned to us and loudly proclaimed; "I got it. I got her ticket. I have three daughters and I know how careless these kids can be...."
An hour later, I was sitting on that bus next to my angel woman. I had a bowl of delicious home made food on my lap, with dessert to booth! In her hands also, was an identical bowl with just as much food. She had prepared two identical bowls of food, even though she was travelling alone and planning to eat only once. We found out, that I was the same age as her second daughter. Born only a day apart! And you wonder why I checked out of this world, in my head. I have seen and lived through, way too many of these incidents. To be content in the mundane and with mediocre.
Why did I just tell this story? I was taking an inventory of my life gone by, this past year. And the lessons I have learnt thus far. I was preparing a foundation, for new beginnings and resolutions. Decisions, that would pave the way for the next and rest of my life. An era and chapter had closed (amen!). An era of abuse, deceits, lies, entrapment, envy and every hindering vices known to man. Chapters of wanting to conform and fit in, so I could be accepted and hopefully belong. All the while, knowing in my constructive, creative and revelatory head that I was different!. Chapters of subduing and submerging, all I knew I was equipped and empowered to do. Simply because I did not want to stand out, like a sore thumb. Or be the victim, of one more persons bitterness, misery and insecurities. Those kinds of crusaders, easily find their type and unite. And I was tired, of being at the receiving end of an angry mob. Now we would do things differently.
But before I closed that era of my life. I did the most important, fulfilling and honorable thing, that I could ever do for myself. Something that was long over due and would give me some needed closure. I gave my parents, a befitting emotional burial and laid them to rest. You see up until this year, I always wondered, if things would have turned out less traumatic for me. If they had not both departed, too soon. I had a lot of why questions? And I got my answers from the only One Who had it (the answers). For that I am so grateful. I was thankful, for the union that was them. A marriage, that eventually produced me. I was thankful, that for all that went wrong. Good was eventually worked out for me. Even in their absence, the exemplary lives they lived. Paved an integral path for me. When I connected all the dots and linked the clues. I realized that though physically absent, they had actually raised me! And ironically, set before me an amazing future. For that I am ecstatically, primed with purpose.
As I got rid of all the encumbrances of the past, dark agents and detouring messengers. I retrieved that girl that was captured and tied-up in years gone by. I loosed her and let her go. I let her step back, into what was hers all along. At the same time, reclaiming all that was stolen from her. That fearless faith-filled girl, that walked up to the bus with no ticket. Knowing that she was supposed to be on it. The tenacious girl, that ignored the devious voices of her doubts. While tuning out, the jealous chants of ebbing fears. A meteor that would demolish any obstacle, in its part! The girl that love birth, hope raised and faith guided. A gem born, preserved and released. Into a generation, for such a time as this.
It is New Years Eve 2014 today and I dropped the ball. Yes you heard me right. This ball was not made of crystal. This was a time wasting ball, of accumulated and despairing events. Rolling along with debilitating circumstances and envoys. I am at the cusp of the biggest wave of my life yet and there is no room for negativity. The rest of my life awaits with deliberate and definite beckoning. I do not know, if I have the exact ticket this weird world demands. But I know, Who owns the bus. And in a mere couple of hours, I am getting on that bus and ride I will.
I am going with a team. A team of professionals, un-professionals, unschooled, over-schooled, lay, simple, complicated and dedicated people. They are every age, color, every shape, every size and language. The depths of their pockets vary and some have no pockets at all. But this much we have in common, my vision is their vision also. I do not have to explain anything to them, or spend my creative time digging out their claws from my skin. They get it and are wisely supportive and I am grateful.
Time and space fails me to delve into more now. But come 2015 (Or whatever year we are about to enter) and I might. So what are you waiting for? Here comes the new year. Here comes Chioma Onwudiwe, pushing through. My king and I, my people and I, my team and I.... Join us if you must.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
